Well, hello there!  What’s in the garden, you ask?  Not much.  It’s early May here in Zone 6.  Little sprouts of this and that are busting through a cozy blanket of aged horse poop.  Here’s what I do have: parsley, spring garlic, and eggs. Lots of eggs. Duck eggs in fact. We have 10 hens here, and we recently inherited two white plume ducks.  We took them in after the vicious coyote murder of our beloved black Swedish ducks, Blossom & Ducky MacDuckface.  Our new charges are Stella and Steve.  Given the prolific egg laying, I have come to suspect that Steve is a girl.  Here they are happily fouling the fish pond:

I confess I’m a little weird about eggs, so I have no desire to eat a duck egg straight.  I’m always looking for new ways to use them.  They are large, rich, high in protein, and prized for baking.  But,  I’m not much of a baker, and you know, “low carb” is in, so baking is out.  So, I got to thinking and the thought of pasta carbonara came to my brain!  But, then my brain hollered, “But low carb!”  And then my brain answered, “But bacon and cheese and pasta! You deserve it!”  And my brain won.

The decision made, let me state that I’m a bit of purist when it comes to carbonara.  When I was in college, I spent a couple of years as the “chef” at my sorority for our weekly Monday night dinners.  I frequently did a pasta mother lode night, with one pot of pasta carbonara, and one pot of fettuccine alfredo for those who wouldn’t eat bacon.  I know, right?!  Who won’t eat bacon?  Every vegetarian I know, save one and he knows who he is, has been tempted by the divine scent of the meat candy.  Eat the bacon! You deserve it!  Back to the carbonara.  Here’s what it is not: alfredo with bacon.  It is a lovely simple sauce consisting of eggs, cheese, butter if you’re nasty and I am.  No cream need apply.

Then, at a time in my life when I felt I was undeserving of love and laughter (we’ve probably all been there), I dated a man who was, shall we say, a “lothario.”  Here is the power thesaurus link to all of the other words that might apply to such a person.  Cad is my favorite:

Cad, etc.

Anyhoo, I don’t remember his name or much about him at all, but I do remember that he loved to make pasta carbonara. One eve, while cooking me a lovely dinner of it, he whips out a red pepper and proceeds to chop that shit into the mix.  And, *clutches pearls*, he does so while proudly announcing, “You told me to do this because it adds color!”  So, here’s the thing about Lying Liars Who Lie, they can’t keep their “facts” straight.  The fuck you say?!  No, Mayor Dawg of CheatingTwo-LeggedDogVille, I never, ever once told you to add a red pepper.  That tidbit is from some other sucker you’re shagging.  Because, here’s the deal, as much as carbonara ain’t alfredo, it also ain’t primavera.  And my Noni, Inez Nichelini, is judging you from heaven right now, Sir LecherLibertine.  (Okay, no, she’s really judging me for eating it, because Inez was never known to heap judgement on a handsome man, no matter how rakish he may be.  “Be a dear and get Phil Lander a plate of seconds, would you?  He deserves it!”)  I’m being overly critical.  The pepper isn’t a bad addition, it’s just not carbonara.  Add it if you must.  Whatever.  I’ll get my red from the damn bacon…  Here’s what I did teach him to add:  a couple of spoonfuls of capers.  Not because of color but because of salt. Salt for a Salty Dawg…

On to the food.  Garlic is growing in my garden despite a snafu with my ten hens eating the tops off a month or so ago.  Here’s what happens to garlic in spring:  it gets this groovy, swan-ish, alien-ish growth called a scape, which if left to it’s own devices would turn into a seed pod.  The farmer cuts the scape so that energy stays with the bulb.  The farmer, being a crafty genius, then sells these little rejects to you at the farmer’s market for cold, hard cash.  You take them home and do all sorts of wonderful things with them.  They’re cool looking, and they add a mild, sweet garlicky goodness to your chow:

Today, I’m going to take mine and add them to my carbonara instead of garlic cloves.  You know, for color! Add a little chop of parsley on top for some more glorious color.  It’s green! It’s spring! And it ain’t no red pepper.  Then I’m going to eat a big plate of it with this person who gives me unconditional love and respect, at least before she turns 13.  At the end of the day, we all get what we deserve, and I deserve her…

Pasta Carbonara.

1 lb fresh linguine.  (I’m using a full pound of pasta, because who only cooks half a pound? So invite your friends,  They deserve pasta bacon goodness too. )

1 to 2 cups reserved, hot pasta water

4 duck eggs or 6 chicken eggs

1 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese (Who am I kidding? Make it 2, or at least a cup and a half.)

8 slices of bacon, sliced into lardons, or 1/2 pound diced pancetta

1/4 lb garlic scapes, cut into 1/2 inch pieces.  Or, 6 cloves of garlic, chopped.

1/2 cube of butter

Salt and fresh BLACK pepper 🙂

Optional:  2 – 3 tablespoons of capers

Italian parsley, chopped, for garnish

Saute the bacon until nicely browned.  Remove with a slotted spoon onto a plate lined with a paper towel.  Sauté the scapes until wilted, or the cloves until slightly golden.  Remove with the slotted spoon.  Crack the eggs into a bowl large enough to hold the pasta.  Add a cup of the cheese, and mix well.  Cook the pasta and reserve a cup or two of the hot pasta water.  Strain the pasta and add it immediately to the bowl.  Throw in the butter and mix well.  Add some hot pasta water as needed to get the consistency you like.  Add in the bacon, garlic scapes, and capers if you’re using them.  Grind some fresh pepper over it all, and season with salt to your liking.  Garnish with parsley and reserved cheese.  Voila!

Here’s an obligatory picture of pasta carbonara:

Enjoy with people who love and respect you, and with a well-deserved glass of wine…  Next up, El Pollo Maligno! It’s what’s for dinner, and boy is he a bastard!  Cheers, Dix.